Tuesday nite, Dec 25th

{journal entry}

It's good to be home.

Things around here were getting...intense. Couple days before my birthday, Eric and I decided to separate for a while. I was having trouble dealing with Mom's death, and he was just at a loss as to how to deal with me. I know he wanted me to know he loves me, and I do, but I just felt like he was closing in on me...or maybe it was just the whole world closing in on me. Don't know.

When the plane ticket arrived FedEx from Tom the night before my birthday, with a note telling, not asking, but telling me to accept it, I couldn't believe how relieved I was. Typical Tom...no asking, just...here ya go...do.

So I packed my bags, called Eric and left a message on his cell phone...I couldn't go without letting him know where I was...and hopped on a plane to Hawaii.

I don't know how Mom and I would have survived without Tom's help all these years. He was always keeping tabs on the Asshole, making sure we moved before he got too close, and then when Asshole disappeard, Tom kept on his trail, keeping us updated often. I hope he finds the Asshole, and kills him. Wouldn't bother me in the least. I told him that while I was with him. Told him that, and lots of other stuff, too.

If felt so good to talk to him, to have a guy...a...father figure...to talk to about shit. I packed all the stuff that the lawyer had given me and brought it with me. He sat with me for hours explaining everything in detail. He explained all the financial stuff too...like how the house is paid for, and now legally mine...as stated in Mom's will. How the 8 different bank accounts are set up. Six of which had been hidden since before I was born. Money left to Mom from her grandparents and parents, and never mentioned to anyone, except Tom. I know she trusted him implicitly. Shit, as long as I don't go apeshit with the spending, I'm fucking rich!

He told me stories of how they first met, how they became lifelong friends, always in touch, yet never together. He asked me to tell him about her death, which I did, as best I could, and we both cried over that.

I came out to him while I was there. I told him all about Tony, and then all about Eric and everything I've felt, and do feel for him. He put his arms around me and hugged me. Told me he knew already. Of course, Mom would've told him. Told me he loved me anyway, just like the son he never had. And that if I was lucky enough to find love, no matter with whom, then who was he to say if it was right or wrong? Love is love, no matter who you find it with. Shit, just thinking about it, I can't believe how lucky I am to have him...whether he's my biological dad or not, he's the best parent a guy could ask or hope for.

He apologized that he couldn't have me stay longer than week or so, but he had an investigation that he was resuming, and he'd be travelling again as of tomorrow. I told him I didn't mind...just the few days away, in the beautiful weather, in Hawaii, in his company...was pretty much just what I needed. And it was.

So now I'm home.

I'm doing the responsible thing and got the laundry going. Cleaned out the refrig, and been to the mini-mart that's open 24/7/365, rain or shine, holiday or weekend, and stocked up enough stuff to get me through until I can do a proper grocery run. A proper grocery run? Hmm...a phrase Mom used to say.

Sorted through the mail...junk mostly...some bills I've got to get used to paying. A nice card from Shox...sympathy card for Mom, but with a nice poem on the inside, and an offer to talk if I need to. He's a nice guy...went out of his way for me after I got beat up. Mom said she liked him instantly.

A handwritten note from Sean busting my balls for not calling him personally and telling him that I was going. Says he all insulted that he had to hear it from Eric. Signed it "left in the dark" with some really rude and hysterical comments. He kills me, that guy, can always trust him to make me laugh.

Nothing from Eric, but then, I didn't really expect anything. I didn't even think about xmas presents this year. Just seemed like...well...didn't seem like the year to worry about it.

I tried his cell phone when I got home, just to let him know I was back. Left a message to that effect. I have missed him while I've been away, but I think being apart has been good for us. I've been able to deal with my grief, and I feel...I dunno...lighter, maybe? Less burdened? Eh...who knows.

I do know I'm ready to get back into life...and back into contact with the world.